Rap Bear

For those of you that would have guessed that this is my favorite writer on alcoholism:

You are wrong. In my eyes that coveted title belongs to none other than Richard C. Langsen, the guy that penned this:


 
I picked this gem up at a Savers on the west side for two dollars back in May. Best book purchase I ever made. Langsen obviously shares the prize with his frightfully talented illustrator Nicole Rubel because she made my heart hurt with laughter with this:

BAHAHAHAHAHA, those birds are kissing!

If I have my private eye skills via internet correct, Richard Langsen is a social worker based in Clackamas, Oregon with a four outta five star average patient rating. That’s pretty impressive, but I feel that a good portion of Langsen’s life has been spent in front of the mirror whining, “Bukowski, Bukowski, Bukowski!” like the odd Jan vs. Marcia Mexican standoff that once was. Well, I’m here to tell Dick that tonight his star burns brighter than five Chucks (R.I.P.) because of this:

Holy shit, what a scene! Can you imagine being one of those parents' kids friends? I would totally have a false sense of superiority for sure.

I need to switch over to illustrator Nicole Rubel for a minute because by now, you can tell this post wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for her artwork. So, she’s been in the picture-drawing racket for some time; her Rotten Ralph character has been her bread and butter for 36 years, whoa. This was more than likely unintentional on her part, but Rubel truly gained a fan because every time I look at one of the bears in WSITFDTM, I see what Gizmo sees when he’s tied down to the model railroad tracks:

Can’t you just hear the little mogwai wearing the helmet in the background humming to himself, wishing his Chinese master’s magic shop never got taken away; and asking why, for the love of Gremlins, won’t midnight madness end already? And if you can imagine that, than isn’t the “he’s like two different people” avowal all the more appropriate? I fucking love so many things about this picture. As an aside, here’s a picture of two of my friends through a stein of beer I was drinking out of. It’s like they’re two different people:

Sorry. That was the only way I could think of ever using that photo. I liked it too much to delete it.

First of all, shut up about my photograph and focus on this ladybear’s eyes! Doesn’t that frame look like it belongs on a hardcore film noir movie poster? Even Langsen’s writing could be loosely interpreted to suggest that Dad is a boxer past his prime ready to skip out with Mom’s life savings, and she’s slowly stroking her chin plotting his murder by DEATH!

This book really does get sweet at times:

I really love Lonely Child’s outfit. And truthfully, Langsen actually did do a great job explaining the nature of alcoholism to kids. Given that, if anyone feels like they need to borrow WSITFDTM, let me know because I’m really only holding on to it for entertainment value. However betch, you’re giving that shit back to me once you’re done; and there better not be any puke stains on it, you vile alcoholic.

I’m not joking when I say I did this so many times as a kid:

And I turned out pretty cool.

So, I like saving the best things for last, like red gummy bears or those weird garlicky crostini found in trail mix:

All I can say is that shit is straight-up GANGSTA. Bye now.