HEY, HEY, HEY! Hey. I walked out on my job on this week. Therefore, right now, I’m stamping my leg with my notary stamp while lying on the couch. That’s right; I’m an official legal document a dozen times over, suckers. Day Three of unemployment is nearing its end, and the most productive tasks I’ve accomplished all day are eyeing the bottle of Evan Williams a guy that doesn’t call me anymore left at my apartment over two months ago, and biting off my coke nail while watching reruns of Judge Judy. Yesterday, I went to a job interview with what could be the worst garlic breath on the planet. Last night, I gave myself an enema for fun. And it was, except that my cat kept walking up to me and sticking her nose in my face while I was on the floor following the kit instructions.
I’ve never been jobless before in my life, so I feel obligated to go through all of the unemployment motions that I imagine people go through: spending way too much time on Facebook, avoiding phone calls from family members like the plague, napping, building an S&M fort with my bras and panties, working on my masterpiece (uh, the blog? I might as well shoot myself in the face right now), drinking too much, trying on all my clothes backwards, developing conspiracy theories, dancing to Q-Lazarus over and over and over again, and basically treating my life like an all-around fucking joke.
Surprisingly, it’s been a light week of writing even though I’ve had nothing but time on my hands. That bothers me to a degree because the whole goal of this blog was to give myself discipline and deadlines in my life outside of work. I get the irony that my whole life actually is outside of work now, but fuck man, this girl needs some Order, if you know what I’m sayin’. Aside from all of the incredibly pathetic activities (or non-activities) I’ve engaged in this week, what I’ve found myself doing the most is texting back and forth with my best friend Tammi Gymnastics. Below is our first conversation where I break the news:
TG: Gurl. What’s up with ur fugly face?
Me: Bite me, asshole. What are you up to?
TG: Juz chillin at the gym. Be out in 20. Wanna go 2 the bar in a bit?
Me: Of course I do, but 1. Outta cash, 2. Job hunting.
TG: Did Gary finally fire ur ass?
Me: No bitch. I fucking quit. Fucking walked outta there.
TG: The fuck??????????? And ur job hunting now, toots? Real smart. Really fking smart. Y did u do that w/o any job lined up? Uve never done that before dumbass.
Me: Whatevs. The owner of the carwash fired 5 ppl this morning w/ no reason thru their work email, so they got up and at em this morning, ready to wash some cars only to find a termination email sending them home.
Me: So disgusted, I asked for my paycheck & bailed. That made over 20 car washers gone in three months.
TG: I still think ur a fucking idiot. Will all this b worth it if say u can’t find another job, lose ur car, lose ur apt?
Me: I don’t know. I weighed it out all day. Just got fed up w/ the bullshit Tammi. Took some sort of stand, but I really don’t know if it’s worth it.
TG: Ur gonna have 2 start selling urself sweetie. Glad u like sex, cuz now ur gonna have 2 charge $$$$$ 4 it 2 make ur rent. Don’t b 2 ashamed tho, ive had 2 do that once or twice when business is slow.
Me: Good idea!!!! Now go fuck yourself.
That woman really does give sage advice. I imagine her opinion would be right in line with Judge Judy’s. So there is that itchiness of feeling so lost right now, but I also haven’t been this happy since before I started working at that shitty car wash (yeah, weird right? I wash cars and am a public notary). I guess that counts for something, right?
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