10. Grand Duke Henri – Luxembourg: Any man that looks like a British secret agent crossed with a villain on Die Hard could turn on his country or kidnap Bruce Willis’ wife and I’d still fuck him.
9. Julia Gillard – Australia: What the hell? Most of what I’ve learned about Australians’ hotness is based off of watching Outback Steakhouse commercials, and usually the actors in those are frat boy-ish, boomerang-throwin’ chazwazzers that would probably suck in bed because they’re always sunburnt from frolicking on some giant red rock in the middle of the fucking desert all the time. No more. No more of that. Sorry Australia, TV ruins things. Julia’s got a Tilda Swinton vibe going on, no?
8. Salva Kiir Mayardit – South Sudan: I don’t personally know a single person who could rock this look. Maybe a handful of Australians could try; I’m open to them now.
7. Cristina Fernández de Kirchner – Argentina: Doesn’t she look exactly how you’d imagine Penelope Cruz would in about thirty years? That’s a compliment, by the way – I’m not calling de Kirchner old. Good genes are good genes are good genes, and I could only hope to age this gracefully, so that someday, I too could make a rando blogger’s top ten list.
6. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Iran: Politics don’t play into hotness, people, so chill out. Plus, most face-stubbled hipsters barely have aspirations beyond getting some head after playing records for less than a half hour at an ‘art show’. This guy wants to get nuclear. Beat that, you human paraquats!
5. Barack Obama – United States: Fun fact: a renowned pervert took this photo of Bocky. I like him because he probably still secretly smokes and can wear the shit out of suits.
4. Laura Chinchilla – Costa Rica: I don’t know why, but I have a feeling this woman is bilingual. Suck it, Palin! Female politicians can be, you know, smart!
3. Joseph Kabila – Democratic Republic of Congo (or Congo-Kinshasa): You know, not every world leader is lucky enough to preside or dictate over countries in which the populace does little more than drink wine and nap (duh, Spain). Some are stuck with ruling over (and let’s face it, actively participates in the exploitation and terrifying of) Hell Town in AIDsy Rapeville. So what do you do when you dictate over a country smack dab in the middle of other countries smack dab in the middle of a continent the free world long ago stopped giving a shit about? You drink your coffee filled with saccharin while vogueing it up for the camera.
2. Lee Hsien Loong – Singapore: This guy is like one of those older guys that at first you’re hell bent on fucking for money, but then you end up falling in love with him in less than a week. Remember, no kissing on the mouth is a rule for a reason.
1. Vladimir Putin – Russia: WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. IN. THIS. DUDE’S. WATER? Ohmygodohmygodohmgod OH MY GAWD. Maybe it’s because I’m quarter-Russian, but I want to lick him up and down ‘til he says ‘Stop’. Remember when there was the unfortunate group of women that slobbered all over James Gandolfino during The Sopranos’ height of popularity, just because that man with man boobs played a fictional powerful mob boss? Yeah, that was dumb. But this guy, I’d let dump a pot full of borscht all over my head with one hand while giving me the shocker with the other.
And Vladimir said to Ashlee, "Be my dream woman!" And I said, "We'll see how you feel after I write about the Gulag."
I've never wanted to be a narcissistic womanizing megalomaniac so badly before now. "lick him up and down ‘til he says ‘Stop’." No shit? So, it's true ... douche bags get all the chicks.
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