Okay, so Chapter 16 of Eastbound and Down should be renamed to “Shit Texas Says, and Why Ashlee Wants to Bone Him: A Lifetime Original” Seriously, Matthew McConaughey’s Roy character was on fire this episode. I don’t care if he’s gay; I’ve got the urge to send him Olivia Munn-esque instructional picture sexts that say things like, “Nibble on these,” or “My asshole is right where that arrow is pointing, and it’s saved just for you.” Mmm, damn.
Anyways, there was an element of tragedy in this week’s episode. Just when I was warming up to Shane-Dog, and even predicted he was going to make some serious power plays, he had to go fuck it up. This post is obviously not spoiler-proof, but for those who haven’t seen Chapter 16 yet, I’ll let your imaginations run wild as to what brought on Shane’s untimely end. With him out, I guess I still have Stevie to count on for mixing up the scoreboard. Someone else who might make a dent in the upcoming episodes is our newbie, Ivan, the young Russian pitcher that can plant 103 mph fast balls down the line. Kenny understandably hates him, but I don’t mind the young one. He’s got wild teeth, and unlike virtually all Russian men I’ve met at bars, he openly admitted that he likes America. Fuck yeah, buddy!
So, with all this shit going on, I’m going to need you to hit the ground running, okay? We’re gonna have to unfortunately convert the dojo into Toby’s room. I’m gonna need you to baby-proof this bitch up. Stash all the weapons, make it kid-friendly. You will use my computer research lab as your sleeping chambers. There is a bed for each of you. Once upon a time, I believed in destiny, but now I say ‘F’ that ‘B’. Let’s get to the numbers.
Who’s Fucking In, Who’s Fucking Out?
Kenny: +5 points for squirtin’ fire like a dragon’s pussy down in Myrtle Beach. +3 points for pullin’ a fucking drive-by with his trident. -6 points for having his whole reign of power challenged. +3 points for his crucifixilicious entrance onto the baseball field. -4 points for starting his cocaine binge with a shitty song, but +2 points for rectifying the situation by playing the way more cokeworthy tune, ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles. -8 points for being too preoccupied with dancing to notice some serious shit going down right behind him.
Toby: +4 points for managing to not get baked alive in a sand pit covered with an American flag. +2 points for being a handsome, hot-as-fuck little child. -8 points for not inspiring Kenny to close out a game, despite Stevie holding him up like Simba from The Lion King.
Shane: -3 points for being all but forgotten by his baseball recruiter. +3 points for growling at Kenny in baritone, “You’re fuckin’ famous as shit, and you know it!” +6 points for trash-talking the opposing batter’s dick. -2 points for proving himself wrong…he was Goose, and not Maverick, if you catch my drift. Goodnight, sweet prince.
Stevie: -2 points for passing the moving responsibilities onto Maria so he can ogle the local girls. +7 points for getting overly excited, and exclaiming, “We must, by law, have the most coolest, and amazing SHIT-awesome time in Myrtle Fucking Beach, and…party like the FUCK! Sincerely, Stevie Janowski.” -6 points for making Kenny’s dojo look like the place that Cabbage Patch kids come to fuck.
Maria: +5 points for forcing Steve to tearfully tell Kenny “I will also no longer be able to lend you large sums of money.” +4 points for forcing the kickboxing dummy in Kenny’s dojo to motorboat her.
Andrea (No picture found): +7 points for staying in school. (By the way, I acknowledge that I was wrong about her age. She’s not in statutory territory like I presumed.)
Ivan: +6 points for having a sideburn-less haircut like the one Mr. Burns orders Don Mattingly to shave in that Simpsons episode with all the softball ringers. +2 points for saying, “You’re face is…big. I like it.” -4 points for not having as much showmanship as Kenny did during his field entrance (Do you realize this was your big debut? A mixture of finger-pointing and Nazi salutes aren’t going to cut it in the States. Welcome to America, Baby Dick).
Roy: +10 points for being hot, all the time, every time. +5 points for saying, “The son has just barely got peach fuzz over his pecker.”
The Results as of Chapter 16
Player | Fucking IN | Fucking OUT | Total | Verdict |
Kenny | +43 | -44 | +1 | You’re fucking in. |
Maria | +19 | 0 | +19 | You’re fucking in. |
Toby | +28 | -18 | +10 | You’re fucking in. |
April | +22 | -32 | -12 | You’re fucking out. |
Stevie | -14 | +20 | +6 | You’re fucking in. |
Ivan | +8 | -4 | +4 | You’re fucking in. |
Little Jimmy | +3 | -24 | -21 | You’re fucking out. |
Shane | +32 | -28 | +4 | You’re fucking in. |
Cassie | +8 | -4 | +4 | You’re fucking in. |
Roy | +15 | 0 | +15 | You’re fucking in. |
Jamie | +3 | -3 | 0 | Let’s call it a draw. |
Ashley | -18 | +7 | -11 | You’re fucking out. |
Ashley’s goon | 0 | -24 | -24 | You’re fucking out. |
Dustin | +7 | -6 | +1 | You’re fucking in. |
Terrence | +4 | -5 | -1 | You’re fucking out. |
Andrea | +7 | 0 | +7 | You’re fucking in. |
Well, Maria has maintained her lead for the second week in a row, but don’t get too comfortable up there, sweetheart, okay? You’ve already made the big jump down to Myrtle Beach; things are only going to get uglier for you from here. Ashley Shaeffer’s daft dealership goon is still the biggest loser on the planet, and I’m okay with that. I wonder if anyone will surpass him. One thing I’m noticing about the scoreboard is things are looking a little too positive. Calm before the storm?
So, I know what you’re thinking. You totally thought I was going to pick ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ for the Best Song of the Episode Award because me and my sister I used to choreograph dance routines to that track almost every time we jumped on the trampoline when I was five. Well, I got news for you. My sister ruined that song for me ever since she popped me so far up in the air while I was flipping upside down, that I lost control and hit the back of my head against the trampoline frame, necessitating four staples in my dome. That bitch. I walked around all summer with a bald spot from where the doctor had to shave my head to get at the wound. Whereas, I have nothing but fond memories of ‘One Foot in Front of the Other’ by Bone Symphony, the song that’s blaring during the montage scene of Stevie and Maria putting together Toby’s nursery and giving each other head (the same song, incidentally, that’s playing during the montage scene of the nerds fixing up their frat house in Revenge of the Nerds). It's painless, therefore it wins.
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