World Leaders I Think Are Hot: Top 10

10.  Grand Duke Henri – Luxembourg:  Any man that looks like a British secret agent crossed with a villain on Die Hard could turn on his country or kidnap Bruce Willis’ wife and I’d still fuck him.

9.  Julia Gillard – Australia:  What the hell?  Most of what I’ve learned about Australians’ hotness is based off of watching Outback Steakhouse commercials, and usually the actors in those are frat boy-ish, boomerang-throwin’ chazwazzers that would probably suck in bed because they’re always sunburnt from frolicking on some giant red rock in the middle of the fucking desert all the time.  No more.  No more of that.  Sorry Australia, TV ruins things.  Julia’s got a Tilda Swinton vibe going on, no?

Tammi G: Nightmare in a Broken Heel

Last Halloween, Tammi Gymnastics and I went to a costume party held at a warehouse tucked away behind several dance clubs lining the train tracks.  Tammi dressed exactly as she always does (think Nomi Malone crossed with Cristal Connors crossed with Henrietta Bazoom crossed with Penny Hope), except she stuck a pair of fangs onto her incisors, and painted on one single perfect drop of blood running out of one side of her mouth.  I, on the other hand, was fucking tired of being frigid every Halloween, so I forewent the slut garb, and opted for something warmer.  I dressed like a pregnant girl.  Nothing (marginally) clever like a pregnant cheerleader or girl scout, just pregnant in regular street clothes (with my actual old baby blanket tucked underneath my maternity shirt).  I didn’t even wear heels, which totally makes me self-conscious these days because everyone can tell what a squirt I am.

Obsession of My Life during the Month of September 2011: Prince

In the grand tradition of posting terrible sharpie’d tattoos I’ve dreamt of getting, I give you September’s ode to my latest obsession:

Split ends and Tramp Stamp 4Evah!  I’m actually embarrassed to have posted that photo, but my very personal trainer took the time to follow me around my apartment while I was topless, so I couldn’t just not post it (and by ‘very personal’, I meant she’s my best friend, and I threw ‘trainer’ in there simply because she drunkenly eggs me on while I practice Cagle exercises in my bathtub on Thursday nights).

Pickin' on Little Kids in a Harlem Movie Theater

Just like old times, right?

Right.

White Heroes

My people have never first drawn a bow or fired a gun against the whites.  There has been trouble on the line between us, and my young men have danced the war dance.  

But it was not begun by us.  It was you who sent out the first soldier and we who sent out the second.

Rocky VII: What Are You, a Fuckin' Keebler Elf?

Slouch hats annoy me.  So does any article of clothing that invokes forest-dwelling cookie makers.  I thought fashion was taking a better direction this last year because everyone started dressing sartorially and streamlined like they were characters from Mad Men.  And while that may not be an original thing to do in the slightest, dressing like Pete Campbell or Joan Holloway at least means you’re going to look proportionate, well-tailored, and damn good.  So I had my hopes up for a minute there, until Slouch lurked along with its leg-stumpifying flat-heeled slouch boots, and shit all over the country’s fashion sense.  Now slouching is all the gotdamn kids care about these days.

I'm Erect. Why Aren't You?

When I tell you about one of the fucking strangest things that’s ever happened to me, I want you imagine your boss peeing on you.  The only way you’ll be able to truly relate to my curious experience is by picturing a golden shower steaming off your chest, creating a little yellow pool around your crossed legs before whirl pooling down the drain.  Now that you have that image in your heads, buckle the fuck up cuz’ if I accepted the job I applied for on Craigslist, I’d be making $191.78 a day doing the same thing.  Thaz right:  One Huuuuundred and Ninety One Big Ones every day of the year for living the very definition of the trickle-down effect.  One Huuuuundred and Ninety One Smackeroos.