Dick Week, Day Three: We Suck What Will Destroy Us

Onto Day 3 of beloved (?) Dick Week!  I am writing this post in the midst of a panic attack, so while you’re reading this, if you suddenly start shaking and need someone to rub your temples very softly for the next three hours, I’M SORRY.  Panic attacks are the honey badgers of the blogging world – they don’t give a fuck about deadlines.  Anyways, I am so goddamn happy that some ladies of 801 saw penises, laughed at them heartily, and then shared their thoughts on everything from dry-humping to deep-throating.  Yaaaay, women!  We’re like the lampreys of men’s self-esteems – we are cold-hearted suckers. 

Before we move on, let’s calmly water our peace lilies and watch the girls from The Hills for a second:

 Ahhhhh.  It’s like I’m one with the world now.  (I wish I created that gif, but I didn't.)  Let’s get to it!

“I had a boyfriend who had a dick the size of a PBR tall boy but was absolutely horrible in bed. So now I am a firm believer in the saying “It’s not how deep you fish, it’s how you wiggle your worm.”

Hopefully that guy’s peen took off its thick-framed glasses before rabbit-fucking you.  Does it wear a beanie and hang out at the Twilite by any chance?

“My first ‘serious’ boyfriend (we were Mormon post-high school teenagers) had a big dick. It served only to leave me with a number of post dry-hump vagina bruises. So...pre-intercourse, big dicks did nothing for me; not in thought or application.

The next boyfriend had the smallest dick I have ever been sexually involved with.  It had the benefit of being a good looking dick, good color, shape, etc. I really loved his dick. It was so easy to suck off, and he knew what to do in bed.  He knew so well that he really could've been dick-less and I would've been sexually satisfied.  So, size didn't matter to me.

The next long-termer had an unusually long dick, which was kind of uncomfortable. And thank god I could deep throat a broom handle if I needed to, because that sucker make a lesser woman gag like crazy. So, long dick = pointless and irritating.

My current relationship has a penis on the long end of average, but it's a nice fat one.  I enjoy thicker bacon, even if it makes me shriek a little sometimes. I think it contributes to the sex in a rather fantastic way, and it's exciting to think about. So, in conclusion, circumference makes a difference, length doesn't.  However, at the end of the day, it's more about what they can do with it, like all the nice ladies say.”

After she wrote “it was so easy to suck off,” the lady placed her fan next to the gold wind-up clock, and stepped closer to the balcony’s edge.  Staring icily past the church spire ahead of her, she whispered to no one, “I won’t gag,” and hurled herself down toward the stables, falling and falling, the parlor room dry-humping episode with Count Hedley fading into oblivion. 

And now a word from Cyndi:

WHAT UP, ANDRE!?

“The first penis I felt was during seven minutes in heaven when I was 14. I still clearly remember the girth and the strength of his hardness and his heavy breathing in my ear. My hand barely wrapped around it and I clumsily went through motions I had seen in movies or heard about through closed doors from my older sisters friends.
I decided to wait until I was ‘in love’ or at least in lust enough to have sex. My first real long term boyfriend of 2+ years in high school was really my first full experience with sex. First orgasm, first blow job, first… well, everything. He would always joke about being small and how he wished he were bigger, and at almost 8 inches he became my gauge for ‘normal.’ Not to mention sex multiple times a day, whenever the mood struck us, in the car – behind a building, in the movie theater, you name it, it was fair game. Anything you wanted to try was open for an attempt and we openly discussed everything. Again, my gauge for ‘normal’… yeah, right.

The men thereafter weren’t much different, all of solid girth and at the smallest 7 inches. I remember once making out with a boy who was probably ranking in at 6 and I had to stop. I called my girls the next day to joke about how small he was. Imagine my surprise when I broke up with my last boyfriend and dated my first true ‘normal’. I called my sister and told her I don’t think I can get turned on as he is way too small for me –  although he was girthy, he still was slightly under 6. My sister laughed and said “Uh, that’s average”. My world was never the same again….I truly thought the average was 7.5 with a substantial girth…

I gave it a solid effort, and although I’m not a large girl, it just wasn’t the same as having a man work his way into you. The idea that initial sex was easy because it just slid right in was never on the top of my list. I started hearing horror stories about girls that would have sex and not even know he was inside her. I don’t even know what do to with a small dick, seriously. My skills at BJs (which I must say are ridiculous) were formed on larger penii. The perfected hand and tongue motions don’t seem the same if you only have 4 inches for me to work with. That leaves no space once my mouth is on you and your deep in my throat. How boring is that? I love going down on a guy, but if you don't have anything to entice me, I'd rather just go play with my vibrator. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of ladies who like an average to below-average man in that department, but I’m just simply not one of them.

After a few years with long-term lovers that just didn’t quite fit the bill or a magnum, I decided why settle for literally less than what I wanted? So now my friends joke if I meet a man, he must be above average in every way… intelligence, humor and of course penis size. I have to admit, I’ve perfected the art of being able to tell if a man is packing or not just at a glance. Well, sometimes a heavy denim or just sizable balls can fool me, dammit.”

Oh no.  Oh honey.  Ohhhhhhhh, SWEETIE, you are ruthless! EVERY GUY IS GOING TO THINK WE’RE ALL TOTAL CUNTS NOW.  But think that, they must.  Someday the women of this city will have to face El Guapo.  We might as well do it now!  In a way, all of us have an El Guapo to face one day.  For some, whiskey dick might be their El Guapo.  For others, a lack of flexibility might be their El Guapo.  For some of us, El Guapo is a tiny penis that wants to kill us with boredom.  But as sure as my name is Raggle “Heart of Darkness” Mason, the ladies of Salto Lako can conquer their own personal El Guapo who also happens to be the actual El Guapo.  WHEREVER THERE'S INJUSTICE, YOU WILL FIND US.