Salt Lake City has earned itself the nasty reputation of being one of the healthiest cities in America. This is wrong. We are not California. In this new installment, I’m gonna work hard (but not workout) to give hope to all those degenerates who believe that life without Whole Foods, Zumba dance and sunblock is still worth living!
(For those of you that
find malnutrition, cancer, death, and terrifying STD tests sticky subjects,
please take all this advice with a boulder of Himalayan pink salt, and continue
on sanitarily masturbating to Dr. Oz.
Also, doooooon’t get mad at me if my guidelines give you frown
lines. That just means you’re doing it
wrong.)
Health is sacred in the sense that it gives you the world’s
most legitimate reason to feel superior to others. Everyone to you looks like hacked up, aged
stripper meat as they tremble before your glowing, muscular figure. That self-righteous aura of speed and
grace reminds me of why I always try to pinpoint the layout of houses that I’m trying
to escape from in my nightmares. If it’s
recognizable as my friend’s third story walk-up, I can invite myself over and
tell them, “Dude, I don’t mean to freak you out or anything, but I had a dream
last night…and someone was MURDERED right by your bedroom window. I think it was you.” The world is truly yours to indignantly laugh
at.
But now I axe ya: Who
looks more fun?
Her
Or her.
Correct answer: the tan one.
The TAN ONE! Ladies (and lads)
that aren’t afraid of serious sun damage are way more fun than everyone!
Hero.
Hero.
Not really hero, but hey, why not make your deadly vice a
career of sorts? No shame in making the
drag queens love you!
Hero.
Not hero.
Wanna know why? Here’s
a sampling of just five products (out
of the thirteen million) you supposedly need on the reg that Goopy is endorsing on
her website:
1. Clarisonic Mia, which uses a sonic frequency to clean and
tone skin: $149.00
2. Opal Sonic Infusion, that focuses on fine lines and wrinkles
around the eyes: $185.00
3. Sara Happ Pink Grapefruit Lip Scrub: $24.00
4. Philip B Blue Spray, a soothing mist for cooling down the
body on a hot day: $27.50
5. Aromessence Iris Rejuvenating serum: $79.00
Fuck that amount of money.
And fuck people that care so much about skincare. You know what separates a tanner’s vanity
from everyone else’s? Rather than
spending exorbitant amounts of money getting facials, botox and dermibrasions
just to set back the clock ten or fifteen years, the tanner doesn’t give a
flying fuck about anything except making their legs look ridiculously great in
shorts. That’s empowerment.
Embracing your wrinkles, sun spots and other crusty imperfections is
every woman’s God-given right if they allow it to be. Accept the Grit.
Seriously ask any milky white-skinned woman adorned with
grape vine tattoos to build you a fire while camping, and see what she says. Ask Zooey Deschanel to hop on your dick and
pass you a wrench. (Holy shit, feminists and gingers, I’m
kidding; don’t kill me before the night is through, please!) Since my readership resides in the 24-35
demographic, I’m telling all you chicks to ask yourself these two questions now
before you spend millions and billions
on anti-aging creams in the future: Who really
needs dewy skin, and who needs to look forty when they’re really sixty? Who wants to spend two hours a day applying
sunblock when all you need to do is OWN this world with LEATHER?
Drawbacks to tanning, you ask? You bet!
Disrobing in a frenzy so you have enough time to lotion yourself down is
stressful. Having to move your arms up
and down periodically so your armpits get an even tan with the rest of your
body is the equivalent to a minor heart attack.
When the teenage salon attendant sticks you in Booth 3 when you clearly
wanted Booth 6 (because it’s roomier), you're filled with enough rage to finger-paint
REDRUM with tanning oil all over that trick’s face. All those shortcomings aside, think of it
this way: that money you saved over the
years from not buying Lindsay Bluth’s diamond face cream just kept you from
being broke, so you can afford yet another
vacation to Tahiti in your twilight years, or all that lavish chemotherapy you’ve
been dying for. You are the champion in
all this. BE the Eurotrash bitch you
always wanted to be.
With all that said, it’s actual product
endorsement time!
I didn’t pick this out!
My friend Amber pushed it on me!
And haha, the cashier at Whole Foods went off on a rant to her about
assholes who’ll get what’s coming to them that don’t buy environmentally
friendly products, and I swear to God, she was speaking directly to me. But seriously, I took one of these wet naps
and massaged my face for about twenty minutes because it felt so good. Plus, it’s a natural makeup remover, so you
can take off your mascara without feeling like your eyes just fell into a vat
of chemicals. Very nice.
Anyways, you milk maidens can scoff at the TANS all you want, but
when we die early from playing on the beach far too often, just know that we’ll
be cackling at you PALES in the afterlife.
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