Health Tips from Raggle, Part I: Tan Hard or Die Trying

Salt Lake City has earned itself the nasty reputation of being one of the healthiest cities in America.  This is wrong.  We are not California.  In this new installment, I’m gonna work hard (but not workout) to give hope to all those degenerates who believe that life without Whole Foods, Zumba dance and sunblock is still worth living! 

(For those of you that find malnutrition, cancer, death, and terrifying STD tests sticky subjects, please take all this advice with a boulder of Himalayan pink salt, and continue on sanitarily masturbating to Dr. Oz.  Also, doooooon’t get mad at me if my guidelines give you frown lines.  That just means you’re doing it wrong.)

10 Observations on the Salt Lake Bar Scene

I'm baaaaaaaack.  Here's something I wrote for a local magazine, but for one reason or another, didn't get the chance to publish it.  Since it's seasonally themed, I figured I better drop this knowledge on you all now.  Ten reasons why I always look sad at bars things I've noticed about the drinkers in downtown Salt Lake:

Rocky VII: What Are You, a Fuckin' Keebler Elf?

Slouch hats annoy me.  So does any article of clothing that invokes forest-dwelling cookie makers.  I thought fashion was taking a better direction this last year because everyone started dressing sartorially and streamlined like they were characters from Mad Men.  And while that may not be an original thing to do in the slightest, dressing like Pete Campbell or Joan Holloway at least means you’re going to look proportionate, well-tailored, and damn good.  So I had my hopes up for a minute there, until Slouch lurked along with its leg-stumpifying flat-heeled slouch boots, and shit all over the country’s fashion sense.  Now slouching is all the gotdamn kids care about these days.