This One Goes To Eleven

Two thousand eleven has been one of those years that no matter what good has happened, the bad makes it easy to dismiss the past 365 days by saying, “Now Daddy, shake 2011's hand, and let's be On. Our. Way.” No bullshit, things got a little ugly this year. But hey, that's alright, right? I've got a number of things lined up for 2012 that will more than make up for this last year's bullshittery, like taking up racquetball, starting life in my thirties, Tammi Gymnastics' and my upcoming trip to SF and Portland, and....becoming a prankster. I really want to take fucking with people up to a whole new level. But before I can do that, I got to get the taste of 2011 out of my mouth. Since the end of December is all about lists, here's mine (in no particular order of importance) for the year:

Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

Good Enough For a Poke, Huh?

Oftentimes, I find myself using this blog as a storage bin for YouTube videos I just can't live without.  Life has been much sweeter since I first saw the Sexy Sax Man play one of my favorite hits of the 80's in a Del Taco, and I extend my hearty applause to whoever constructed his pants.  It matters not that the number of views these three videos have accumulated equals around a combined 12 million, and that one dates as far back as 2009.  Funny is funny is so funny, and I could really give a shit if I'm posting old news here.

If Arnie, Carol and Sergio formed a super group called Sexual Whispers in Space, I'd wait overnight to buy front row tickets.

Obsession of My Life during the Month of September 2011: Prince

In the grand tradition of posting terrible sharpie’d tattoos I’ve dreamt of getting, I give you September’s ode to my latest obsession:

Split ends and Tramp Stamp 4Evah!  I’m actually embarrassed to have posted that photo, but my very personal trainer took the time to follow me around my apartment while I was topless, so I couldn’t just not post it (and by ‘very personal’, I meant she’s my best friend, and I threw ‘trainer’ in there simply because she drunkenly eggs me on while I practice Cagle exercises in my bathtub on Thursday nights).

Obsession of My Life during the Month of August 2011: Stevie Nicks

If I wasn’t so incredibly broke, I would have gotten the following tattoo last weekend:

Pretty, huh?  Sadly, I just ate a white bread and barbeque sauce sandwich because I’m out of all other food, and the script above my boobs is obviously from a sharpie.  A friend even had to buy me that sharpie...poor little street urchin I am.  Anyways!  My newest of new features on the blog is called Obsession of My Life during the Month of Whenever (yessir, just like the title of the post indicates), and the fixation of August 2011, the woman that really wound me up, was Stevie Nicks.

Gull, You'll Be a Wormen Soon

Women scare the ever-living daylights out of me.  Boo!  I’m scared.  Not as scared as I am of the seven consecutive words “I want you to be my wife”, but fuck, put me in a gurney because I’m ready to die rather than journey through the depths of my soul trying to understand the females.  Aside from the datum that I truly am attracted to women (but too frightened to eat pussy, so that’s where my lesbianism ends), I can’t get past the rawness that I feel when confronted with the fact that women can be your best, best, bestest friends for years, but come next summer, BOOOOOOOOM, you’re Dead to Them because for whatever reason, you fucked up and said they didn’t look good in orange.  Dead, dead, dead.  These days, about 95% of my friends are guys, and about 65% of those guys are only hanging out with me because they think I’ll fuck them.  However, no matter what hidden motives the men in my life may have, amigas, I’m more enticed to hanging out with people that don’t hold grudges like it’s going out of style, don’t vejazzle-dazzle their crotch areas, and are generally way more consistent friends.

An Open Plea

I want a girl's size Night Sweats t-shirt like right now. If anyone can make this happen, I shall give you a signed photo of me from my kiddie-modeling days at ZCMI. Trust me, it's worth it for blackmail use in the future. Now, Gimme!