I Can't Stop Thinking About You.

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!  Yaaaaaay, America!  The founding fathers may have actually signed that fucking sweet document on the second of July, but that shit wasn’t finally ratified until the fourth, so burn down your goddamn roofs with fireworks tonight cuz America is so hot right now! 

However.  I love our nicer, colder, Canadensian neighbors to the north just as much as our beer-burping, government-eschewing Tea Partiers on Medicaid here in the states, so I took it upon myself to pay them a derisory tribute today:

(If you didn't know, which would be sad because that means you have no familiarity with the show, the troupe from Kids in the Hall all hail from Canada.  So there's that.)  Tonight, in lieu of celebrating, I will be alone…in a dark cave…with the bears (they don’t count as company if they want to eat me), but if you want to try out some pretty incredible pick-up lines on the fly honeys at the barbeque tonight, I jotted a few down from the skit above for you as a gift of love...

"I guess I’ve just been touchy about things…since birth.  I guess you’ll have to make it up to me by, ha, sleeping with me then."

"Uh, the lady will have…a bowl of gin, no ice.  We don’t have time for it to melt.  And I’ll have a rum and rye, and could you garnish that with a couple of Tums?"

 "Yes, I’m having such strong feelings about you that I’m having trouble…with my gat."

"I have something to tell you.  I know I’ve only known you an hour, but…I love you.  I love you.  Wow, the words felt so purifying.  I’ve never uttered them to anyone before...well, before noon."

"What’s with the third degree!?  Ooh, sorry.  My emotions are making me testy!  Listen, I just don’t wanna be alone tonight.  Although, I do want to be alone when I wake up, if you know what I’m saying."

"What?  I paid for your bus fare!  You owe me!  Come on, baby, one ride deserves another!"

"Helga, I could just live between your breasts.  And I don’t mean that in a sexist way!"

So, rock on American dating world!  I'm back, you know!  And I just can't wait to meet all those cabbage heads out there that are gonna treat me like a special lady while trying to get at the heart of my vagina!  Whoo hoo!  You probably won't even care that while you're wining and dining me straight into Fuckville, the whole time I'll be thinking that romantically, there is nothing more horrible than hooking up with a great friend, falling completely in love him in an short span of time, scaring the shit out of yourself when you realize how much your commitment issues from a marriage that ended four years still dictate your life these days, deciding to end things abruptly because you’re so frightened of what the future will hold (despite the fact that you’ve been unofficially accepted into his amazing family that you never, ever want to lose contact with, but ultimately will because that’s how things go with the type of scenario I’m describing here), losing all trust in yourself, and then finally, within three weeks of breaking up, seeing your great friendship – the one that you care about more than anything else in the world – and true love for each other tossed into a bargain bin filled with forlorn, quasi-teary side glances, anger, and utter melancholy.

 Sorry for the crabbiness, you guys.  I haven't eaten much lately and I lost my best friend.  But, you're right that it's still important to shout U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.! tonight.  You are right.