Day Four of Dick Week!
I’m gonna start off this penultimate post by saying that reading
everyone’s submissions has been a BLAST.
I doubt I will write much about dicks in the foreseeable future
(seriously, this stuff is messing with my dreams
– last night, I dreamt I was flying in an airplane, and my in-flight meal was a
mustard-covered penis in a hotdog bun, and all my teeth fell out, and then the
plane went down), but I’m really warming up to the idea of having more
contributors on the blog. If you think
you’ve got the chops to regularly get bitched out for arbitrary (and
inaccurate) grammar rules by Ms. Editrix over here, email me and we’ll talk.
Anyways, before we get to it, Dolly wants to talk to you:
"I'm well-endowed. Whenever
I tell anyone that my dick is above average, people generally think that I'm
bragging. It's nothing you should brag
about really, I never have in my entire life.
It's like bragging about having big hands, or a thick head of hair. I never earned it or worked for it, it’s just
something that I have, that women tend to like and men fucking despise. Those are both truths, and it’s just the way
things are.
I've never met a woman in my life that has told me that size
doesn't matter. When they are being
incredibly honest, they always say, “Of course it matters,” but I've never met
one that would hold it against any man.
Which is great because men will hold the size of your dick against you
any chance that they get (once they find out of course). Men turn pretty primitive when they hear
about it. All of a sudden it's some
shitty competition. “Women only like you
because of your dick.” “I'll bet that
you never even have to hit on girls, you just tell them about your big
dick.” I’ve honestly heard both of those
things come out of my friends’ mouths before.
As if in their minds, women are only interested in getting a big
dick. As if they will just hop right on
when they hear about it.
There are a few other little things. Don't ever count on having a girl deep throat
you. Even if they try, I don't want to
be involved in any sexual act that looks like it’s taking a serious physical
toll on someone. Nobody should have to
take deep breaths like they are training to be in the fucking coast guard off
of the Alaskan coast. Also... anal. Don't really expect much of that. If you get it, it takes a really special girl
that is heavily self-medicated and drunk.
Even then it's like cocaine, only once maybe twice a year, and the
ramifications the next morning make you both think it wasn't ever worth it to
begin with.
Don't get me wrong. I
think my dick size is pretty fucking great.
I don't want to make it sound like I was born on third base, and then I
complain about still having to run home, but having a dick that's just a little
above average size does have its drawbacks.
I get it. When you're listening
to someone bitch about not having anywhere to park their learjet, you think, “Fuck
you,” but if you're the one with the learjet it really is a problem for you."
“Waaaaaaaaaaah! I have a gift from God that trumps all other
gifts from God, and it’s REALLY hard to deal with it, guys!” Oh boy.
Did anyone else get a whiff of Gwyneth Paltrow complaining about her wood-burning
pizza oven being just a little too close to the pool? Anyone out there feel like we were at a Mitt
Romney campaign rally where he talked about how much it sucked to keep track of
all his immigrant workers? Ah damn,
whatever, I’m probably being too hard on this poor son of a bitch. I never really think about what it’s actually
like on the greener side of the fence, you know? How DO you hold on to dear life when it’s not
truffle season, TELL ME. In all
fairness, I completely understand what he’s talking about with anal. I feel like we’ve already been over this, but with a big dude, it’s only fun if you’ve resigned yourself to
taking some very uncomfortable shits the following two days.
Moving on. Next post
is the last post, and oh man, am I
excited about it. I’ve saved the best
for last, so trust me when I suggest, nay, COMMAND you not to miss the hilarity
coming this way. Until then, stay classy, Salt Lake!
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