Two thousand eleven has been one of those years that no matter what good has happened, the bad makes it easy to dismiss the past 365 days by saying, “Now Daddy, shake 2011's hand, and let's be On. Our. Way.” No bullshit, things got a little ugly this year. But hey, that's alright, right? I've got a number of things lined up for 2012 that will more than make up for this last year's bullshittery, like taking up racquetball, starting life in my thirties, Tammi Gymnastics' and my upcoming trip to SF and Portland, and....becoming a prankster. I really want to take fucking with people up to a whole new level. But before I can do that, I got to get the taste of 2011 out of my mouth. Since the end of December is all about lists, here's mine (in no particular order of importance) for the year:
1. The Good: A night or two this summer, I got to hang out with this guy:
The Bad: I slept with his brother, and have known his family for years, so I don't think it'd be good form to ever attempt to sleep with him.
The Ugly: He lives in Montreal, so even if I decided to try to sleep with him, it would involve some serious flight tickets and some serious stalking.
2. The Good: Starting this blog. I was told it would be fun, and it totally has been. Very special smiley-face-emoticon Thank You to the regular viewers out there, no matter how few and precious you are. There may be some contributing writers, new installments, and more Couch Time on the horizon, so stay tuned for more fun, and tell all ya friends.
The Bad: Writer's block. Holy shit, I thought that was a made-up term six months ago!
The Ugly: Ex-friends that have used my posts as ammo against me. When I wrote Gull, You'll be a Wormen Soon, a friend at the time Facebook messaged me, “If you want to hash out shit between you and I rather than just on your blog, you know where to find me.” I was in a feisty mood when I received the message, so I responded: “HAHAHAHAHAHA! That wasn't about you, that was about [name redacted]. And although it may seem passive-aggressive to take out my grievances online, [name redacted] won't communicate with me otherwise. It's funny that you thought that was about you considering we just hung out a couple of nights ago, and I thought we were always cool.” She didn’t reply, so I followed up with: “If there's shit to actually hash out, I've asked and emailed you if there was several times, and you said no, so I believed you. If that's not the case, then please enlighten me.” No response, and a few weeks later, our friendship was actually dunzo. Crazy, right? In retrospect, I find her message truly hilarious since it is the exact type of female behavior that I was writing about struggling with.
3. The Good: I found out Frankenhooker exists.
The Bad: I just realized I’ve used the abrasive pick-up line, “WANNA DATE?” about forty times in the last ten years to no avail.
The Ugly: I still haven’t seen Frankenhooker. Anybody got the hookup? If so, I foresee us lighting up a J and getting weird to this movie.
4. The Good: After spending some much needed time alone, I got together with a lovely and talented boyfriend who's mom is way into Christmas so I actually got gifts this year!
The Bad: I'm still kinda sorta kicking myself in the figurative balls for breaking up with my last incredible boyfriend for stupid reasons.
The Ugly: The new guy gets this creepy duck face when he’s petting the cats. I don't have a picture of him doing that, so I thought I'd subject you to this:
5. The Good: All 150,000 episodes of Judge Judy I watched this year. Seriously, I love this woman more than just about anybody on the planet. One of my main goals in life is to hand people's asses back to them in a doggy bag as swiftly as Our Holy Lady of Daytime Court TV does without batting an eye on a regular basis.
Such elegance.
The Bad: She's not my mom.
The Ugly: If she were my mom, she would not approve of my lifestyle choices. I imagine if I stumbled home with a head full of mushrooms to an angry Judith, the scene would likely go down like this:
6. The Good: I walked out of a job for the first time in my life. It felt good!
The Bad: I got laid off from my replacement job three months after I started it.
The Ugly: Although getting laid off led to me to ultimately getting the job I wanted, all that unwanted time off got me neck-deep in BILLZ (however, it's all worth it now that I don't have to deal with a psychopathic boss or a passive aggressive office manager that liked to randomly show off her karate moves).
7. The Good, Day 1: My new pet Rock Lobster. Neat!
The Bad, Week 3: My new pet Rock Lobster. He sure is, um, spirited?
The Ugly, Month 2: My new pet Rock Lobster. I just want to apologize to Levi's mom, Harry Angel's mom, and my mom. I am so sorry! Because it was my fault. I was the one who brought him here. I was the one that said, “He's just plucky, it's fine.” I was the one who said that we were not in danger. It was my fault, because Rock Lobster was my pet. I am so scared! I don't know what he's planning. We are going to die in this apartment! I am so scared!
8. The Good: I went to Italy! I saw so much of what I wanted to see: the Colosseum, the Vatican, me in designer clothes, an Irish dude's penis....fantastic!
The Bad: One of the guys I went there with had three separate drunken temper tantrums, one involving him ceremoniously throwing his watch into the Mediterranean sea (which me and another girl had to stop him from diving in to retrieve it because he can't swim).
The Ugly: Nasty little rumors that went around town about me using the drunken tantrum thrower for a plane ticket. All I have to say to that is Go fuck yourself. If I'm ever unfortunate enough to bump into you again, you're going to need all that alcohol for the monumental ass-chewing you're going to get. Moving on.
9. The Good: Facebook made me realize that when I'm feeling down about not being smart, clever or cute enough, I need to buck up because nobody else really is either. Back in October, I spent seven grueling hours (that I'll never get back) going through all of my 350 or so Facebook friends, copied each of their most recent posts, and categorized them all. Jesus. Among the 13 'thanks for the birthday wishes', 25 declarative political statements, 10 poems, 38 complaints, 8 posts in foreign languages, 30 remarks about accomplishments or kids no one cares about, 26 shameless self-promotions (ahem, myself included), 10 gross medical updates, 12 sports posts, 11 schmoopy love shout-outs, 14 one or two word posts like 'rad???', '!!!', 'LOVE', 'Yes!', 'ZzzI#!', 'Wow.', 'Really?', 'sleep', 'bedtime', etc., my favorites were, "And that makes me a saaaadd cyclops" and “Girl is captain of the fucking table!” Seven hours well fucking worth it. :-(
The Bad: Quitting Facebook, and all of the vacuity that comes with it, just isn't a feat I have the inner strength to execute anytime soon.
The Ugly: I friend request and accept friend requests from people merely to get the word out about my blog. Talk about a shameless self-promoting ho.
10. The Good: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has been fucking killing it on the reality TV scene. So dark! So tragic! So much more real than what we're accustomed to from reality shows these days. All of them ladies living in their glass houses, dressing their dogs in sweatsuits, casually talking about Botox the way I casually talk about sex. And Allison Dubois. Alli-fuckin'-son Du-god-send-bois. This psychic drunk mess in the Dinner Party From Hell episode from Season 1 completed my life. Before, when my boyfriend suggested a place to go eat that I hated, I would just start crying. Now! I can smugly coo, “Trio will never emotionally fulfill you. Know that!” while waving around my e-cigarette like I'm a film noir star.
The Bad: Andy Cohen not puttin' up some serious dough to make Allison Dubois a BH Housewives fixture.
The Ugly: Shit gets sad when we see Kim Richards' genuine meltdown stemming from child Disney film stardom delusions and substance abuse. Plus, don't even get me started on that willowy troll Taylor Armstrong basking in the profit-y glow of her late husband's suicide.
11. The Good: Bar Deluxe is fucking thriving. I saw the Suicycles, Lady Murasaki, the Saintanne, the Samuel Smith Band, Uncle SCAM and Dirty Blonde all for the first time there this year, and my ass looks better than ever for shaking it so hard watching Salt Lake’s finest. (I didn’t see Night Sweats there for the first time, but they play there regularly, and being that they’re my favorite band, have been a major contributor to my ass looks.) In all seriousness, Bar Deluxe lacks the pretension and dreckitude that you'll find in so many other clubs in Salt Lake, and I think that freshness is deservedly paying off in droves...Kaci and crew: Keep. That. Shit. Up.
The Bad: I run into way too many men I’ve slept with whenever I go there.
The Ugly: My actual ass.
That's it, I'm out. See you next year, suckers!
No comments:
Post a Comment