Well, There's a Fucking Surprise.

Oh my God, it’s January in 2012!  That means that summer is only five months away.  So of course, I have to recount my favorite memory of my favorite Utah amusement park, Lagoon.  Back in 2010, I managed to find time between riding the Screamer, laughing at Rodney DangerOwl in front of Dracula’s Castle, and eating nine churros, to follow around America’s sweethearts:  Vincent Gambini and Mona Lisa Vito.

12:00pm

Vinny:  You wanna go to Lagoona Beach?  Come on, it’s hot.

Lisa:  That’s a bullshit question.

Vinny:  What the fuck is the matter with you, why is it a bullshit question?

Lisa:  ‘Cause you know I didn’t bring a swimsuit.

Vinny:  Well, why the fuck not?  I told you to.

Lisa:  Specifically because harmful haloacetic acids, better known as HAAs appear in the urine of swimmers within 30 minutes after exposure to chlorinated water where HAAs form as a byproduct of that water disinfection method.  90% of HAA cases are due to accidentally swallowing pool water, which isn’t a huge problem for either of us since I’ve noticed from past experience that we don’t go swimming with our mouths gaping open.  Howevah…the remaining 10% of occurrences, according to the ACS journal Environmental Science & Technology, published just this last year, are a result of inhalation or being taken in through the skin. HAAs can cause birth defects and cancer; I’m not going in.

Vinny:  Lisa, I don’t need this.  I swear to God…

Lisa:  Vincent, the scientists took their samples in Las Vegas, where they discovered overwhelmingly high levels of HAAs in the water, swimmers, and pool workers alike. Look where we are, you dickhead.  Sheep Town, Utah, ooh, a whole entire state away!  If you’re hot, then go get wet on the Rattlesnake Rapids in Pioneer Village.

3:00pm

Lisa:  They have a zoo here?  Oh my God, what a fucking nightmare that tiger must live in!

Vinny:  I’m sure they got some land for it to play around on when the park’s not open.  Aw…shit, I got mustard from that corndog on my shirt.  Jesus Christ, I’m sorry I ate that thing anyway.  Don’t these guys down here know about the ongoing cholesterol problem going on in this country?  Fucking stain probably won’t come out.

Lisa:  Huh.  Imagine that you’re a little baby tiger, prancing along, you spot a little brook, you put your little tiger lips down to the cool, clear water…BAM!  A fuckin’ “animal conservationist” rips right out of the woods, and snatches you up from your family to put you in a twelve by twelve cell in an amusement park zoo.  Now, I ask ya’:  Would you give a flying fuck whether or not the mustard stain will come out of the T-shirt of the son of a bitch who is gawking at you is wearin'?

6:00pm

Ride Attendant:  You can’t take that fanny pack onto the Spider.  It’s too large; you’ll need to leave it here.

Vinny:  No, I’m not leaving it here.  I’ve been able to take it on every other ride in the park.  There’s expensive shit in there that I don’t want to get stolen.

Ride Attendant:  It appears the communication process has broken down between us.  I’m not about to revamp the Spider’s policy and procedures just because you find yourself in the unique position of having a fanny pack containing articles of importance.

Vinny:  I object to you ignorant little fuck power-tripping on me at this time.  You know that I could go over there to the Colossus, and not have to wait in line, and sure as fuck not have to leave my fanny pack with you, which in the balance, would be basically leaving it unattended.  Also, as you and your zit-covered friends are aware, simply putting up a small sign that says the park isn’t liable for any visitors’ stolen or damaged property doesn’t necessarily mean that your sorry little ass won’t get fired if I, being a lawyer, ‘cause I am a lawyer, accuse you of stealing the contents out of my fanny pack.

Ride Attendant:  Mister, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.

Vinny:  Thank you.

Ride Attendant:  Overruled.  Now leave the fanny pack here.

8:00pm

Vinny:  Oh, check this out, check this out.  See that mural with all the twigs and shit?  Behind that, you can see the remnants of the old racist mural from the 1930’s or something.  Kinda interesting, righ---hey kid!  You don’t need to dry hump my leg; the line is moving along just fine, you prick! 

Lisa:  Wow, very interesting, Vinny.  Excuse me while you blend in with the rube scene, while I wait for the Terroride, starving, since they don’t have Chinese food around here.

Vinny:  Lisa, Lagoon has been an amusement park since 1886.  My own muthah saw The Doors here on Friday, September 8^th, 1967; a concert in which she claims Jim Morrison peed on the front row audience members.  Now, I’ve got a yute who’s aching to crawl all over me to butt me in line.  An idiot back at the Whack-a-Mole who wants to beat the shit out of me because he thinks I cheated when I won this stuffed pink and blue zebra just for you.  Churro indigestion.  Loud boy bands.  I haven’t been here in fifteen years, I’m almost out of money, with mustard on my shirt, AND have a giant headache from the Scrambler which you made me go on three times.  Not to mention your [thump, thump, thump] AMAZEMENT that this park has no Chinese food – my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on?  Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of this fun trip to Lagoon?  Is it possible?

Lisa:  Maybe it was a bad time to bring up the Chinese food.

Best day of my life.