Dawg, you gotta stay with me. I’m moving very fast today, come ON. I do not have time to play Inspector Gadget with your emotions, but I will say I’m sah-wry for posting this Eastbound and Down Chapter 15 recap mere hours before the airing of “next week’s” episode. I made a promise last week to be more prompt with my recaps, but apparently, my fuckery knows no bounds. Without divulging too much, I’ll just say the excuse for my post’s tardiness is that this last week, I decided to be a big baby about some personal things. Stupid fuckin’ baby. But oh well, let’s get past this! Spring is on the horizon, and I’ve got a very important Who’s Fucking In, Who’s Fucking Out count to tally!
So, Chapter 15 was really weird, right? This episode really skirted the line…as to who this show is really for. Is it rednecks or smart people? Or, is the show trying to play smashy smashy to both crowds? Whatever the writers were smoking, I’d say it didn’t pan out as well as they’d hoped. The episode started strong for the first half, and then right after Kenny walked into Ashley Shaeffer’s Kia dealership, the show turned into a Will Farrell movie. And not one of those funny ha-ha Farrell movies like Roxbury, Elf, and select parts of Drowning Mona, Old School and Zoolander, but rather one of those god-awful self-aggrandizing productions like Talladega, Stepbrothers, Semi-Pro, and select parts of Anchorman. Like many other good drug appreciators, I know that sometimes it’s best to appreciate drugs from afar. Sure, it’s fun as hell to get wasted with buddies and film one of them dressed up as an Asian concubine, but your trip passes the point of no return when the loudest friend in the room decides to air the footage.
Relax. The episode wasn’t depraved or so downright imbecilic to the point of it not being watchable. I still had a lot of fun with it, and that’s an uplifting realization when I consider that this show has raised the bar so high on entertainment in general, that even its shittiest episode is well done. Alright, now without further ado…
Who’s Fucking In, Who’s Fucking Out?
Dustin: -3 points for stating obvious facts, and not progressing a conversation’s dialogue. -2 points for being all cunty, but + 5 points for telling Kenny to man the fuck up.
Cassie: +4 points for knowing that when a baby has shit running down his leg, it’s time to change his diaper. +2 points for actually worrying about what’s happened with April, when Kenny is decidedly (and always has been) worried solely for his own welfare.
Kenny: +8 points for saying, “Stevie, why the fuck are you dressed up like the Joy Luck Club?” +3 points for stealing April’s Complete Sixth Season of Friends to use as a goodwill gift for Maria. +1 point for his sly crotch adjustment through the glass door of the Ashley Shaeffer Kia dealership. -12 points for sending Toby down the river on a raft, but +2 points for rethinking his action, and saving his son (who had actually only drifted about ten feet before hitting a bank).
April: Not present, but seriously -10 points for leaving Toby with Kenny.
Toby: +6 points for having a fate akin to the Greats, like Moses, or the baby from Willow.
Shane: +8 points for helping Kenny out by loaning him his one and only, world famous Pussy Rocket. +2 points for the swinging chrome balls hanging from the back of his truck, but -5 points for his Lamborghini-style door’s impracticality (as demonstrated by Kenny a few times throughout the episode).
Ashley: -14 points for getting downgraded from BMW to Kia for getting tangled up in some Better Business Bureau bullshit, like misplaced VIN numbers, customer gouging, allegations of prostitution, semi-automatic weapons found with trace levels of cocaine dust. +5 points for excellent dick-flicking skills. +1 point for preferring Fanta over wine at dinner parties. -4 points for using Stevie’s nut sack as a gong.
Ashley’s dealership goon: -24 points for being fucking annoying in every Eastbound and Down episode he’s ever, ever appeared on.
Stevie: -3 points for his womanly tone. -3 points for forgetting the most golden of all rules: Bros before Hos. +7 points for his performance as the mysterious and alluring Cherry Blossom. So seductive. +6 points for laughing off almost getting raped.
Maria: +4 points for her fucking awesome FUBU shirt, that made her look like a “strange Mexican Grimace”. +6 points for saving the day by running over Ashley Shaeffer’s azaleas.
Jamie: +3 points for not giving Kenny any clue of April’s whereabouts, but -3 points for going from a neutral ally to a HOSTILE THREAT of Kenny’s.
Terrence: +4 points for saying, “Good luck to you, with your life. It’s not going to be easy, because both of your parents are horrible. There. I’ve helped the child enormously.” -5 points for waking the child with all his gloating.
The Results as of Chapter 15:
Player | Fucking IN | Fucking OUT | Total | Verdict |
Kenny | +30 | -26 | +4 | You’re fucking in. |
Maria | +10 | 0 | +10 | You’re fucking in. |
Toby | +22 | -10 | +12 | You’re fucking in. |
April | +22 | -32 | -12 | You’re fucking out. |
Stevie | -6 | +13 | +7 | You’re fucking in. |
Little Jimmy | +3 | -24 | -21 | You’re fucking out. |
Shane | +23 | -23 | 0 | Let’s call it a draw. |
Cassie | +8 | -4 | +4 | You’re fucking in. |
Jamie | +3 | -3 | 0 | Let’s call it a draw. |
Ashley | -18 | +7 | -11 | You’re fucking out. |
Ashley’s goon | 0 | -24 | -24 | You’re fucking out. |
Dustin | +7 | -6 | +1 | You’re fucking in. |
Terrence | +4 | -5 | -1 | You’re fucking out. |
One other thing that was off about Chapter 15 was that unlike virtually every other episode of the show, this one was hardly music-centric. I did appreciate the Big Trouble in Little China-esque suspense music that was playing while Kenny snuck around Ashley’s house with a sword, but on the whole, there wasn’t a lot to work with. With such a meager selection, I guess I’ll give the Best Song of the Episode Award to the ending credit song ‘O Lucky Man’ by Alan Price. I'm not saying it's bad, but Ashlee needs more tunes, dammit!
No comments:
Post a Comment