So, I know it’s like, mere days before Chapter 15 (episode 2 of season 3) of Eastbound & Down, but after much deliberation, I decided I must recap the episodes of what is expected to be the last season of my favorite show on television. I need to tell you two things before we get under way.
1. So as not to be too much of a spoiler to those who haven’t seen the following episode yet, I’ve limited these recaps to a “Who’s Fucking In, Who’s Fucking Out” power points system. The setup is very simple: If a character on the show does something that’s fucking righteous, then he or she gets points for being “Fucking In”. If the vice versa happens, and a character displays uncool or pussy-ish behavior, he or she gets points docked, and perilously becomes closer to being “Fucking Out”. Points will be tallied all the way to the end of the season, and both the ultimate victor and ultimate loser will be revealed. Fun, right?
2. Some of you out there may not watch Eastbound and Down for moral reasons, or for the singular fact that you don’t have cable right now. For those in the latter category, I feel your pain. Cable’s fucking expensive, I know! Like I mentioned before, these recaps aren’t meant to be total spoilers, so feel free to peak and participate via the comments section if you want. Let me be your steward in this journey through Kenny Powers’ psyche. For those of you that actually refuse to watch this show for ethical reasons…we’re kind of running out of shit to say to each other. Gettin’ a little awkward. Let’s call it a wash, and just enjoy the rest of the blog.
Now, let’s get to it. You know what I think you need? I think I should call a fuckin’ sitter. And then you and I should go out for a bomb-ass evening in fucking Myrtle Beach, proper, fuckin’ awesome-style. I think it would do you and I both some good to get out and have some fun without the baby pulling us down for once. I think I’m getting tongue-tied here. Basically, I think it’s high time you set that pussy free. Set it free. Set that pussy free.
Who’s Fucking In, Who’s Fucking Out?
Kenny: +5 points for saying, “It’s medicinal. But not for AIDS.” -6 points for not paying child support and being four hours late to his son’s first birthday party. +1 point for showing non-locals what happens when you fuck a boogie boarder in the ass by cutting off the assailant's cord off their surfboard (with wet hands, no less). -8 for statutorily fucking a high schooler. +3 points for finding a good hiding spot behind balloons. +5 for being a motherfucking closing pitcher for the Myrtle Beach Mermen. +2 points for the cover of Part 3 of his audiobook “I’m Fucking Back.”
Cassie: -4 points for never questioning the existential validity of having children. +2 points for raising Ben & Jerry and Cris Angel without much fuss.
Shane: -10 points for acting waaaaay too much like John C. Reilly’s character on Taladega Nights. +5 points for truly understanding how hit movies can be entertaining and smart. +3 points for having a Lamborghini door on his truck, but -8 points for getting a handjob from a minor on Myrtle Beach. +3 for being fucking aces at babysitting. +2 for giving a sound argument as to why he’s Maverick and Kenny’s Goose.
Little Jimmy (No Picture Found): -20 for letting his dad make him look like a fucking idiot at the mini-golf course. +3 points for staying cool under pressure. -4 for shanking his putt.
April: +7 points for throwing an awesome first birthday party for Toby. + 7 points for finally letting loose, and beating the shit out of a mini-golfer for questioning her parenting skills. + 3 for being hot. -19 points for abandoning her son at Kenny’s beach house. -2 points for not shotgunning a beer as well as she should. +5 sympathy points for her hopefully getting over what is either post-partum depression or the ongoing shock of giving birth to Kenny Powers’ son. -1 point for the toxic orangeish hue all over her body.
Dustin: +2 points for being hot. -1 point for excessive winking.
Toby: +15 points for not wanting to be held by Kenny. -3 points for having the racist name ‘Toby’. +1 point for not shitting all over the big people’s furniture. -5 points for not doing anything blog-worthy in Kenny’s dojo while his parents were out partying. -2 points for looking like the dude from The Shield.
The Results as of Chapter 14:
Player | Fucking IN | Fucking OUT | Total | Verdict |
Kenny | +16 | -14 | +2 | You’re fucking in. |
Toby | +16 | -10 | +6 | You’re fucking in. |
April | +22 | -22 | 0 | Let’s call it a draw. |
Little Jimmy | +3 | -24 | -21 | You’re fucking out. |
Shane | +13 | -18 | -5 | You’re fucking out. |
Cassie | +2 | -4 | -2 | You’re fucking out. |
Dustin | +2 | -1 | +1 | You’re fucking in. |
It's looking like Toby’s in the fucking lead, and Little Jimmy is so far in the weeds, he may not recover. Next week, I’ll be more prompt with my recap, I promise. In the meantime, enjoy ESG’s ‘My Love for You’, which won the Best Song Of The Episode Award:
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